“A really, really, bad pick-up line…”

By

Tina Nelson

It was a chilly and bleak November day in Minnesota.  Normally, I love bleak days but on this particular day I wasn’t especially happy with my life.

Too many people who should be nice to me…weren’t.

Too many people who should appreciate me…weren’t.

Too many people who should love me a lot…or even ‘just a little more’…don’t.

And the worst part about this was that I couldn’t understand why.

If I actually thought that the problem was with me, I would have done something…anything to change the situation.  But it wasn’t me.

I had spent many hours soul searching and many hours asking questions…trying to know what it was that I was doing wrong…or not doing right.  But no answers…so no solutions.

So I got into my car and took a little drive down to River’s Edge Falls, a wonderful little park in the heart of Minneapolis, to watch the icy, cold water race fiercely over the rocks and then crash down to the bottom.

It was always a soothing place for me to visit but unfortunately, I found I was coming here more often…needing more and more comfort.

Sigh.

The park was beautifully deserted.  Good.  Mondays are like that.

I could just lean against the ancient stone wall and watch the water crash down…over and over…the rhythm so relaxing and the deafening noise somehow comforting and calming.

I knew I would get my focus back…re-charge…decide the correct path and take it.  I’d figure it out…I always did.  I wasn’t born yesterday.   I had some life skills.

“Hey there little lady, how would you like to come with me to those bushes over there and warm me up on this chilly day.”

The man’s voice was mean and angry.  His words slurred.  Could I feel a tiny prick of a knife in my back…?  No matter.

As I slowly turned, I reached into my inside jacket pocket and pulled out my loaded Smith & Wesson .38 Special revolver that I always carried…because…why not?

And then I shot him through the heart.  Twice.

No one heard the shots as I watched him fall to the ground…left hand still clutching a very sharp-looking steak knife.

“Fuck …you…” he croaked as the blood flowed quickly out of his heart and in seconds he was dead.

“Apparently not…” I said and I walked back to my car.

The End

 

THE KIDNAPPING OF WESLEY

“Did I just say “kidnapping?”

By

Tina Nelson

When you are hopelessly in love, you will do anything.

You have no control.

You are ruled by your ever demanding heart.

You ignore the rights and listen to the wrongs.

You BEG your friends at recess to help you.

Did I just say “recess”?

You show off your most attractive physical feature (in my case…my legs) by not wearing corduroy pants under your pink dress when it is terribly cold outside even though your mother told you that you’d better wear them…or else.

Did I just say “corduroy”?

You brag about a lifestyle that doesn’t exist…except for the “pancakes” part.

“Did I just say “pancakes”?

And when all that fails…you lie.

“So, Jimmy…and you too, Wesley…my mother has said I can bring two friends home for lunch today and I have picked you guys because I know you are the best of friends…and I want to be your best friend too!”

Seeing the doubt in their eyes, you recklessly continue…

“My mother makes the best pancakes in the world!!”

And so on that Spring day in 1950 at noon, me, Jimmy (dearest love of my life) and his best friend, Wesley walked, ran and skipped the seven blocks from Cherryhill Elementary School…where we were all first graders…to my house where my mother was waiting for me to come home for lunch.

She had a tuna fish sandwich with soft Wonder white bread (it was 1950, after all) an apple cut in slices and a glass of whole milk (to build strong bones) waiting for me…just like she did every day since that was my very favorite.

There was no pancake batter sitting on the counter waiting to be added to a sizzling, hot skillet.

There was only one plate on the table…not three.

Suddenly, Jimmy stopped skipping and burst out, “I can’t go to your house!  If I don’t come home for lunch, my ma will kill me!!!!!!”

And then, Jimmy, the love of  my life, turned and ran like the wind down the street towards his house.

“I’m still coming!” said Wesley to me.  “I love pancakes!”

So Wesley and I slowly trudged the one more block to my house.  Okay.  Okay.  Only I trudged.

We dragged ourselves up the back stairs of the duplex where I lived.  Okay.  Okay.  Only I dragged.”

“MOM!!!” I shouted as I banged open the back-screen door.

“I brought my friend Wesley home for lunch…can we have pancakes?  I sort of promised.”

Did I just say “sort of”?

I walked further into the kitchen and sat down at my place at the table.

Wesley stood shyly by the door…not knowing where he should sit…a scared smile starting to appear on his little black face.

“Did I just say “black”?

My mother came out from the living room where she had been “hoovering” while she waited for me to come home for lunch.

Did I just say “hoovering”?

“Oh, hi mom.  This is Wesley.  I invited him and Jimmy Preston (the love of my life, although I didn’t say that, then) home for lunch.”

“I told them we could have your fantastic pancakes.  Jimmy changed his mind and went home.  But Wesley didn’t.”

“Hello…um…Judy’s mom.”  Said Wesley who didn’t know my last name or unfortunately…as it turned out later…his own phone number.

“Hello, Wesley! said my mother, giving Wesley one of her big, friendly smiles.  My mom was always happy and friendly.  Everyone loved my mom…and her pancakes.

She walked over to the kitchen table and pulled out a chair for Wesley.

“You can sit here, dear.” she said.  And as Wesley walked over to sit in the chair, she moved over to the kitchen counter, reached up to take down her big “pancake” bowl, grabbed it and then paused…as she looked at the two of us sitting at the kitchen table.

“Your mother knows you’re here, doesn’t she, Wesley?” asked my mother.

“No, ma’am” said Wesley politely.  Then he slowly tilted his head to the side…perhaps wondering for the first time if his choice to have pancakes this day was not a good one.

Here is the part where my mother swears a lot, drops the pancake bowl and somehow keeps smiling…

Here is also the part where Wesley’s unknown phone number complicates things…

“I think there is an eight and a six…” offered Wesley hopefully.

And further… no one at Cherryhill is available to answer the frantic calls made by my mother…since they were very busy looking for the missing Wesley.

Soon there were a lot of policemen and police cars…but no sirens.

“Did I just say policemen”?

I saw Wesley’s mother.  She looked like she had been crying but my mom was hugging her so I guess everything was all right.  No one was hugging Wesley or me.

The front-page headline of the paper the next day said:

“6-Year-Old Boy Kidnapped By Best Friend.”

The smaller headline had a quote from Wesley.

“I just wanted some pancakes!”

Jimmy Preston (the love of my life) moved at the end of first grade and I never saw him again.

P.S.  We never got any pancakes.

The End

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I just ate less…”

**DISCLAIMER** 

This whole series of posts (and I believe there are only six) are generally for older women (over 60) who want to lose less than 50 pounds.  I imagine it would apply to all women…but if you are younger, you can try it also.  It will just work quicker…

This is NOT a guide to eating healthy or a guide to “healthful eating/living”.

This is simply how I have lost almost 14 pounds in 6 months (beginning last October) and am still on track to lose 11 more pounds by November.

So, if you need to lose 100 pounds or if you are looking for emotional guidance as you lose weight or if you believe you can actually lose 15 pounds in 2 weeks…STOP READING!!

**END OF DISCLAIMER**

For everyone else…

One day last month (May) I was chatting with my 46-year-old daughter.  I am 75 going on…

I mentioned to her that I had lost 13.5 pounds since last October.

She actually stopped what she was doing…she was eating a piece of her excellent homemade cinnamon roll…and looked at me.

I was really surprised because she normally doesn’t pay much attention to anything I say…you know how busy these young people are…

“How did you do that?” she asked me…in a TRULY interested voice.

And…she really wanted to know…

“Well,” I answered slowly, “I just ate less…”

“And I tried to walk a little every day.”

“Huh.”   She said thoughtfully…and I was so encouraged by this outburst of interest and excitement that I thought that maybe I should share my weight-loss process with others.

My goal here is to tell you what happened to me and I don’t see why it can’t happen to you.

My blog is mainly for publishing my short stories…not for giving out weight-loss advice…but this is really good stuff…so I hope it works for you (it will)…and you can also search around and read some of my short stories if you wish.

So, as my delightful 11-year-old granddaughter said recently before giving a very impressive speech to a large group of people, “Let’s just dive right in and get started.”

 

“I just ate less…among other things…”

I Have Already Eaten 2 Cookies…

…and I have only been up for an hour!!!!!!!!!!!…

 

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Okay.  The first cookie was just to see if they were still soft and as wonderful as they were yesterday…and the day before…kind of like a ‘scientific experiment’.  Right?

THEY WERE!!!!  Okay, let me log that in my scientific journal…not.

The second cookie was…was…I have NO DAMN reason for eating the second cookie.

I have less than 10 months to lose 5 pounds and I am sliding down a slippery slope so fast I am dizzy.

I am completely out of control…using ‘old age’ as an excuse for ‘seizing the day’ (and by that I mean eating more cookies).  OMG  What’s next?????

Well, let me tell you…

NFL FOOTBALL PLAYOFFS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SIX PLUS HOURS OF SITTING…PERHAPS SWEARING…PERHAPS GROANING…PERHAPS CHECKING TO SEE…

IF MY CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES ARE STILL SOFT???…

I AM SO SCREWED…

Have a nice day…

 

 

 

 

“I just ate less…among other things…”

   Chocolate Chip Cookies…

Hear me out…please…

I am so, so serious about this…I’m not even showing a cute photo…

Even though I PROMISED NOT TO SHARE RECIPES…I am breaking that promise tonight.

And I am doing so because this is the BEST chocolate chip cookie I have ever made…and I AM REALLY, REALLY OLD.

…and the reason they are the best (for me) is that they are soft and buttery and so flavorful…like Sweet Martha’s. (Minnesota State Fair reference which might not be applicable to all people…)  Only Better.

So.  Go to:  Very Best Baking by NESTLE  Then:  Go to ORIGINAL NESTLE TOLL HOUSE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES

Do not waiver from the recipe.  DO IT EXACTLY AS THEY SAY.  Actually when they said “beat” I used my electric hand mixer and continued right up until the end when it got too hard…but I have a really old mixer…I should get a stand mixer.

I used a really small (golf ball size) cookie scoop–no bigger.  Then I put them in the Cuisinart (non-convection) Toaster Oven (370 degrees) because I don’t use my regular oven…(THAT IS A HUGE STORY…but for a later date).  I only baked them for 4 minutes.

I removed them immediately from the sheet and transferred to a cooling rack so they would stop baking quicker.

Now…if you want a crispy cookie…I have just wasted your time and I am truly sorry.

Have a nice day…

 

 

 

“I just ate less…among other things…”

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This is my goal for tomorrow…

DAIRY QUEEN…VERY DOABLE!!!

Have a nice day…

“I just ate less…among other things…”

I will be so mad if I die before I lose 5 MORE pounds…

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St. Peter will not be pleased to see me…

Well, perhaps that is a little strong but SERIOUSLY…I realize that last November 2019 when I had failed to reach 125 lbs….which was my original goal from November 2018… losing 5 more pounds before November 2020 seemed like a  genuine, doable goal.

AND…don’t get me wrong…it is!!!!  I mean…losing 5 pounds in 12 months…pretty easy  stuff.

However, if you happen to reside in the +70 age range, the doability of that goal is a bit sketchy…in that I could “kick the bucket” (so to speak) at any moment.  I feel fine…thanks for asking.

(COMPUTER…DO NOT SPELL CHECK ME …DOABILITY IS A WORD…I DOUBLE  CHECKED…even though not used in most dictionaries…but still).

Every morning I get up and the numbers on the scale vary only an ounce or two up or down…but there doesn’t seem to be a downward trend.

Just a simple request…one tiny, little favor…

…and please understand that I am still very, very grateful that I know what time it is...ALL THE TIME…like now it is 10:09  p.m. CST.

Have a nice day…

 

 

“I just ate less…among other things…”

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Hi!!!

It’s 12:45 p.m.CST

…Just in case you were wondering…

Have a nice day…

 

“I just ate less…among other things…”

wp-15788030973092880234107982458804.pngOkay…here’s the deal…

Apparently I now have skinny wrists…YAY!!! 

Well, hold off on the applause and cheering because my brand new Swatch watch  keeps slipping to the outside of my wrist…and it is a real bitch to see what time it is without reaching over with my other hand and straightening it.

I wear my watch on my left wrist and DO NOT EVEN ASK BECAUSE I CANNOT WEAR A WATCH ON MY RIGHT WRIST.  Okay.  I feel better now.  And for all I know it would slip to the outside of my right wrist as well!

So.  I went on line and I FOUND A SOLUTION after only 45 minutes.  TIME WELL SPENT…pardon the pun.

So if you send me $5.00 in unmarked bills I will sha

Hey…I wouldn’t do that.  Here is the trick.  Reverse the band from one side of the watch to the other…if you can.  I have a Swatch so I can do that very easily.  IT’S AMAZING!!!

FYI…I am also telling you…I think I am getting sick of knowing what time it is every single second…like…right now it’s 10:46 p.m. CST.

P.S.  I couldn’t find a cute photo of a wrist watch so…this one had to do…

BYW…It’s now 11:01 p.m. CST

Have a nice day…

“I just ate less…among other things…”

I’M JUST GOING TO DENY IT WAS ME…

You know…I found myself in a situation a few days ago that made me feel…sad, stupid and pathetic…

“OH NO!!!”

Yup.  And in the past, when things like this have happened, I have just ‘walked it around’ the block a few times and changed the scenario or ‘softened the experience’ or filed it away…and that has worked for me and probably for a million other people as well.

BUT NOW…I have decided to JUST DENY THAT IT WAS ME…

Yes, that is correct.  Because…”I” would not have chosen for that situation to have occurred.  I.  Would not have willingly put myself in a place where I knowingly would feel unhappy or upset.

I.  Am not stupid.  I.  Am not playing.

You can play…alone.

Have a nice day…