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Cell Block #104

I am in prison.  No.  Don’t say anything.  There is nothing to say.  Jail.  Because of extenuating circumstances…my husband and I have to remain isolated…*

I looked at Post #66 a few minutes ago.  It was last June…when the pandemic was wandering the world and changing EVERYONE’S life.

It was horrible, terrible and really, really awful. It still is.  Millions have died and many more millions have been impacted by it’s wrath.

What the fuck did this world do?  Who did we piss off?

But now with the vaccine…a lot of people can go about their lives and do mostly normal things…every day…whenever they want.  Oh…what a luxury.

I, however, am in prison and I haven’t even done the crime.  As in “Don’t do the crime, if you can’t do the time.”

Please note however, if you were to ask me, “Hey Tina!  What did you weigh last year at this time?”…there may be a crime after all.

On a positive note…I AM STILL DANCING.  Current weight 138#. The scale whispered 137# a couple of days ago but then coughed and settled at 138#.

Don’t worry…I’ll get there.

You.  Have a nice day…

* We represent between 3 to 4 % of the U.S. population for whom the vaccine may not work fully.  So even fully vaccinated, we are still at risk and have to behave as though we are not vaccinated.  Yes.  It does suck.

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“Well…I made it!!!!!!”

8 ounces a week for a month–gone!

Oh, please…don’t fall off your chair laughing…  This was an ordeal!!!.  This was terrifically hard.  

For those of you who are beginning a weight loss program of any kind…perhaps one that is designed for you to lose a LOT OF WEIGHT–FAST…losing 8 ounces a week or 2 pounds in a month will seem crazy.  But hey…

You get back to me when you are at the end of your goal and then you will understand what I mean.

It took me 4 long and arduous weeks but I persevered.  

And…there was absolutely no limb removal…I did cut off most of my hair though.  Seriously.  Pixie cuts are cool 🙂

Here is what I did…

I started to (AGAIN) look at my plate and see what was there…REALLY SEE…and then I would remove a little.  I stopped missing meals.  (I am not a big breakfast fan…before I stopped smoking in 2006…my breakfast was coffee and 5-6 cigarettes!)  I know…I know…

But this past month I started eating a half banana for breakfast.  So now I am not starving for lunch!!!  

SHOCKING NEWS  ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

I no longer have a whole Hershey candy bar after dinner…every…night. 

Once in a while I will have half…but I am back on the popsicle bandwagon again and…really do love them. 

But…I am not going to say good by to that half Hershey bar…no way.  It can just wait patiently for me in the drawer of the table by my chair.

The weather has been crappy so walking outside has been dicey…but I did it when I could.  Maybe 3 times a week.  That will increase now that it is warmer 🙂

Anyway…I now weigh 139# and have done so since May 16. I may sound a bit gleeful…but honestly..it was so damn hard. 

The one thing that I have always said (preaching to the choir here) is that “time is so important.”  You didn’t gain that extra weight overnight…and you will not lose it overnight.  That is the hard truth.  But you will probably keep it off…barring a pandemic…

A long time ago…when I started this blog…I said, “How bad can it be to gain just one pound a year?” 

You don’t need a calculator to figure that in 25 years you will go from 125 pounds to 150 pounds without even blinking.  So… 

I did not gain those 2 pounds in one month.  It probably took me about 3+ months.  AND…it did take me a year to gain over 10 pounds.

Anyone remember me weighing 130# on March 1, 2020?  Don’t worry if you don’t…I do.

HAH!  Thank you Covid-19…you fucking, bastard virus…

So…are you wondering if I am going to set another weight loss goal? 

So am I…so am I…

Have a nice day…

 

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WELL…

Long Story Short…

Of all the things important in this crappy, Covid-19 world…my journey of weight loss is (and should be) at the very bottom and I know that.

I really do.

But…so that I do not cry every second of every day at the almost overwhelming horror of it all…I know I will feel a little better if I weigh 139# on June 1…because it is something that I can ACTUALLY CONTROL if I choose to…or not.

Today’s weight………………….140#.  (I HAVE LOST ONE POUND!!!!)

Have a nice day…hopefully one in which you do not cry…but if you do…that’s okay too.

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“WHY???”

I just don’t get it.  And…it is really starting to tick me off…BIG TIME.

I eat “a little less”.  I walk…when I can…

But still…this morning I weighed 141#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just don’t get it and that is bothering me more than anything.  I am one of “those people” who cannot abide “not knowing the answer”.    Sorry.  It is who I am.  I love Google more than…well almost anything…

Like if someone came up to me tomorrow morning as I am walking in our nearby park and grabbed my phone out of my hand (because of course I am holding it…and looking at it for some idiotic but absolutely necessary reason) and then said to me…

“Hello, Tina.  I am going to throw your phone into that lake over there.”

And then…I would scream, “But WHY???????????? WHAT HAVE I DONE TO YOU?  I DON’T EVEN KNOW YOU!!”

And then…he would say, “See?  That’s the problem.  My name is Jacob Zacharias.  Back in the third grade, you gave everybody Valentine’s Day cards and you didn’t give me one.”

And then…I would pause, think and then say, “OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…right, right, right.  I remember now.  I ran out of cards…I was going by the alphabetical list the teacher gave us and…well…your last name does start with the letter Z.”

And then…I would say.  “I am really very sorry, Jacob. Are you still going to throw my phone in the lake?”

And then…he would say.  “Of course.”

BUT AT LEAST I WOULD KNOW WHY!!!!!!

Where was I going with this whole damn thing anyway?  Oh, yeah.  The “whys” of life.

I am NOT eating more.  I am NOT walking less (well a little less…maybe…but still.) I am not just sitting around watching grass grow.

LAST YEAR…I weighed 130#!!!!!  IKR??????

And…even though I am older…I am more tired than I should be…

It has to be Covid!!!  I don’t have it…but just the presence of this horrific monster spreading all over this world is so desperately defeating…

If I were a doctor/scientist of any kind, I would really look into this…I think I’m on to something…

I think…

Have a nice day…

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…I am in BIG trouble…140#!!!

Holy Moly!!!  I heard you gasp from all the way over there…wherever ‘there’ is…

I was doing so well…

I was almost to the 129# mark on a regular basis…125# by November was happening…

AND THEN… COVID-19  hit.

Oh, don’t get me wrong here…I was a full and compliant participant.

No one was forcing chocolate bars and potato chips down my throat while I was strapped to a chair and bravely refusing to share “very secret secrets” with them. …

(BY THE WAY…potato chips are my NEW addiction.  Go big or go home, right?  Wrong…)

“But weren’t you walking on a regular basis?  I seem to recall you saying…”  …

NO!!!! I STOPPED DOING THAT!  

It was… just…TOO HOT AND TOO HUMID!!!!! And…because…”insert whatever fucking  excuse you can think of.”

Basically…I just closed my eyes and flipped off the reality switch in my brain.  Sometimes reality is so…REAL.

So.

Now I have to go back to whatever sections in my little “I just ate less,,,” treatise that apply to me and start ALL OVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!   YIKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Incidentally.  A small factoid.   This is NOT an excuse for my total lack of self-control…but still…all roads lead to Rome…right?

I have dreams ALL the time that I have Covid-19.  It is the damnedest thing…and not surprising… very unsettling….

Have a nice day…

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“IS MY NIGHTLY CHOCOLATE BAR…

A GATEWAY DRUG TO…TO…

I don’t know….I have no idea what the future holds for me….

I have been thinking about hot, buttered and lightly salted (regular not sea) popcorn lately…

There was a time in my past when I had no control and started to have one regular size  Hershey bar AND a bowl of hot, buttered and lightly salted (regular not sea) popcorn EVERY SINGLE NIGHT…but my beloved cat Lulu had just died…

I didn’t plan on her dying…I planned on her getting well from “something” that was causing a brief lull in her eating habits…she was not eating nearly enough…and chubby, little Lulu LOVED to eat more than anything.

So I was bringing her to the University of Minnesota Veterinarian School for testing at the highest level…

…unfortunately they found after hours of waiting and testing that she had a tumor the size of a softball on her lung that was pressing on her little throat and “we could put a feeding tube down her throat and she would last a couple more weeks…if that’s an option for you…”  They said…

I said.   “I love you Lulu.  You are my best friend and sometimes I think you are my only friend and because I love you so very much I will not be bringing you home with me today…but I will remember…as per our discussion on the way over here …to take the Hoyt Avenue shortcut on the way home.”

That night (and every night for almost a year) I had a  large bowl of hot, buttered lightly salted  (regular not sea) popcorn and a Hershey bar.  I gained almost 20 pounds…which is what Lulu weighed when she died…

Life is crummy right now and can be unbearably sad and fraught with anxiety…but then…I remember my little black cat named Lulu who was…very probably…my best friend…who loved to eat until one day when she couldn’t…

Have a nice day…

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“The doctor doesn’t want to see my husband until June 1…” 

and I said…

“WHAT THE FUCK!!!”

Okay, okay…relax.  I didn’t say that…exactly.  What I said to the very sweet nurse was…

“How about June 2 at 3:30?  Will that work?”… (see how polite and normal I can be?)

..and…of course it did work…BECAUSE THAT’S A VERY, VERY LONG TIME FROM NOW…..and I was the first person she called.

So, I’m thinking, if my husband’s kidney specialist…as in BIG TIME DOCTOR... doesn’t want to see patients until June 1…then that means HE’S  ‘social distancing’…for more than a month from now…right?  Am I right?  Yep…thought so also.

Jimminy Cricket Christ…I’m not sure I can hold out that long…before I GO COMPLETELY CRAZY… Please note I said “completely” crazy…I know who I am…

I WANT A BIG MAC!!!!  I WANT A QUARTER POUNDER WITH CHEESE!!!!  TWO!!I WANT DOMINOS PIZZA…A LOT!!!! I WANT TAKE OUT FROM PERKINS, PANERA, BROADWAY PIZZA!!!!  I WANT TO VISIT THE WHITE CASTLE!!! I WANT IT ALL!!!!

OH!…but you say…you can do that right now!!!!

“THEY”  say it’s perfectly safe to eat food that absolutely complete strangers (but I’m sure wonderful people) cook/prepare and bag/box for you.  It’ll be just fine.  Don’t worry!”…(If you feel you must…you can wipe off the bag/box  with a Chlorox disinfectant wipe…)

Yeah??   Remember when… “THEY” also said we didn’t need to wear masks…cough, cough…

Have a nice day…