“First Love” Chapter 18

The Paperback Edition…

Those two weeks with Bobby had been unbelievably wonderful.  I had taken time off from work so that we could be together…much to the displeasure of my mother.

“I see he’s already a bad influence on you, Samantha.” she said coldly.  She knew I had taken vacation time but that made no difference to her.

Bobby talked a lot about life aboard ship.  He really loved the Navy…and I wondered how much he had missed me before…how hurt he had been when we broke up…he never said.  But then…I hadn’t told me much either.

When I told him one night that I had never really stopped loving him…he said that he felt the same…but he was so quiet when he said it, I wondered if it were true.

Neither of us  really talked about  what would happen when he got out of the Navy.  We had now.  Now was all that mattered.  Now was beautiful.

Bobby knew I loved him…and he loved me.

But just before his leave was over, a horrible thought crept into my head…what if I was just someone he had wanted to connect with when he was home on leave and nothing more?  Could that be possible?

No…no…  That couldn’t be true…wasn’t true…not Bobby.  He did love me…I was sure…I was so very sure.

But always in my ear was my mother’s voice…warning me over and over…telling me that Bobby wasn’t right for me…telling me there would be other boys…better suited to me.

Sam still did not know how much Bobby loved her because he was scared of being hurt again and so…he had not told her that life without her would be impossible.

Still so young and still hurting after having his heart seemingly ripped out after losing Sam before, Bobby was unsure…still dared not to tell her she was his life…now more than ever before.

Dared not to tell her that he could not bear the thought of losing her…that it would destroy him.

Dared not to tell her that her smile not only brightened his day…it brightened his whole world.

Dared not to tell her that every night he made plans for their future and went to sleep with a grin on his face…thinking of them being together.

How could Samantha Jones have known all of that, if Bobby Flanagan had not dared to tell her?

She could have known, of course, would have known… if she had been able to real all of the letters Bobby had written to her the first weeks back aboard ship…not just the quick, first note he had written to tell her that his ship would soon be sailing to Japan…but long detailed letters telling her how much he loved her more than anything.

If Sam had been able to read all the letters when Bobby had finally dared to open up his heart and tell her she was his life and always had been from that first, cold, November day so long ago…and that he loved her beyond all else.

In those letters, Bobby tells Sam that he’s sure he can get special leave so that they can get married even before he gets out of the Navy…”soon, very soon, Sammy”.

He tells her he is now looking forward to working with his dad at the hardware store.  He says, if she wants, she can start looking for an apartment for them and…and…so much more.

He goes on and on about their future…their future together.  Bobby has plans and he hopes that she does too…and can’t wait to hear from her.

But…he never does…

 

“First Love” Chapter 19

The Paperback Edition…

The unbridled force of a mother’s love…right or wrong…is unbelievably powerful.

She takes you to the doctor for vaccinations…knowing it will hurt for a bit…but she knows it is the right thing to do.

She makes you eat healthy food even if you don’t want to…because she knows it is the right thing to do.

If you run out into the street, she swats your behind and gets so very angry at you…because she knows it is the right thing to do.

And then…she takes all the letters from the one person you love with all your heart, reads them and then burns them…so fearful is she that you will end up just like her…with an irresponsible husband who has made her life miserable with his uncontrolled drinking and carelessness.

She volunteers to mail your letters to Bobby for you…but instead reads them and then  burns them.

She plans for you to be away from the house when she knows that a desperate Bobby is going to call…because of course…she knows the exact time he will do so.

She tells Bobby Flanagan when he calls…that “I’m so sorry, Bobby, but Samantha doesn’t want to see or hear from you ever again.  I am so, so  sorry.”  And she makes sure he believes her…because that is the right thing to do.

But…she does let you read the last letter you will ever receive from Bobby…because she has already read that letter and knows how full of anger it is.

And…being the good mother she is…she consoles you when you cry and makes your favorite meal for dinner…because she knows it is the right thing to do.

 

“First Love” Chapter 20

The Paperback Edition…

After getting that hurtful, angry letter from Bobby, I immediately wrote him back.  I could hardly see the words on the paper as I wrote.  Tears were streaming down my face.

I could not bear the thought that he would no longer be a part of my life ever again.  I could not lose him…not again.

He had not said much in his letter to me…only that he should never have trusted me, that I was a stupid child and he hoped I would grow up some day…and of course…everything  said with so much anger.

In my letter, I begged Bobby to please read my letters again…how could he not know how much I loved him…how much I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life!

I told him that the only letter I had received from him was his first letter to me weeks ago…the one he had sent me after returning from his leave…and now this horrible one.

Why hadn’t he written to me? I asked… hadn’t he received my letters?

Please call me!  I begged him.  I didn’t even know if he could do this…but I begged anyway.

I told him I just couldn’t understand what was happening or why  he was saying the things he was saying.  It was like he was talking about another person…not me.

Please call me, I had said.  Please write me…and…and then…

I gave the letter to my mother to mail.

 

 

“First Love” Chapter 21

The Paperback Edition…

TWO YEARS PASS…

The world continued to spin and for a long time…I did’t care whether it did or not.

I changed jobs.  The memory of that magical meeting with Bobby in the shopping center food court was too painful.

I started working in a flower shop near where I lived called “A Rose is a Rose”.  I learned the intricate art of flower arranging and design from Sadie Morgan, the owner…and I stuck around.

After a while, she offered me the job of assistant manager.  I took it…flowers are beautiful and uncomplicated…I liked that.

Even though the parents were being friendly to each other, I thought about moving out…but didn’t.

I dated a little…nothing remotely serious and when I turned twenty-one, Mel and I went out to dinner at Frankie’s, our favorite pizza hangout in high school.

We could finally drink beer there…legally.

Mel and Stuart.  They had married so young but had stayed married and in love…and had two beautiful boys that I loved and spoiled whenever I got the chance.

When we walked in, we were greeted by Mike Nordstrom.  He had been in the same class as Bobby in high school and they had been pretty good friends.

Mel and I were both surprised to find that Mike was not just a ‘greeter’…but was the new owner.  He had bought the restaurant last year when it had gone up for sale.

Mike had been a regular at Frankie’s…even after graduation.  It was a good fit for someone who loved pizza and gossip.

And Mike had loved to gossip.  In high school he knew everything about everybody…he was… like a girl.  Turns out…he still loved to gossip

So…that night we got free pizza, free beer and I got free unexpected news about Bobby Flanagan…who was still a very good friend of Mike’s.

Mike sat down in our booth and went into great detail on how Bobby had gone a little crazy after our second break-up.

Finally, seeing the slight shaking of Mel’s head to signal him to stop talking and the shocked look on my face, he was quick to add…

“Oh, he’s fine now, Sam.  He’s actually going to start working with his dad at their hardware store when he gets out of the Navy.

“He was in here a lot, the last time he was home on leave,” Mike continued.

“I think he gets out of the Navy next year, am I right, Sam?  Sam?”

 

“First Love” Chapter 22

The Paperback Edition…

Mel shook my arm.  “Sam!  Are you okay?  You look pale as a ghost!”

Mel shot an angry look at Mike.

“Way to go dummy!  What were you thinking going on and on about Bobby?  Go get some water or coffee or something…just go.”

Mike got up quickly.  “Right.  Sorry, Sam.  I really shouldn’t have done that…Bobby told me not to say anything…I just got carried away…sorry…I’ll get some…” and he headed off to the bar.

Mel patted my hand.  She was such a dear.

“I’m fine…really.  It was just such a shock…I knew he would be coming home at some point, of course, but I just kept pushing that thought away.  Can we leave before Mike gets back?  I’m done here.”

THREE YEARS LATER... after that night Mel and I had visited Frankie’s…Russell Allison sauntered into ‘A Rose is a Rose’ to buy a dozen yellow roses…for his soon to be ex-girlfriend.

Russell and I got married six months later.  We had a beautiful daughter, Sarah, five years after that, and life went on…as it always does.

I had been married almost seven years and one bright Spring day, I was paying for my groceries at Target..when I looked up to see Bobby Flanagan one aisle over.  He was done checking out and was just standing there…looking right at me…and he was smiling…smiling at me.

It appeared he had seen me first and had waited to see what I would do…how I would react when I saw him.  Well…

I was completely stunned.  I gave him a shy, hesitant smile but I’m sure it came out not quite right…perhaps, perhaps lop-sided as before…oh those many years ago in a high school lunch line on a cold November day.

Of course, Sam did not know that crooked, shy smile was the very same smile that had made Bobby fall in love with her…the smile that had captured his heart that day when he was only sixteen.

Bobby returned my smile, took a couple of steps as if he was going to come over and talk to me…but then abruptly turned and walked out the door.

I would not see Bobby Flanagan again for almost 30 years.

 

“First Love” Chapter 23

Paperback Edition…

When I was sixty-one…I had a small stroke.

My apparently not-so-devoted husband and I parted ways.  It happens I guess…some people can’t handle the strain of a major health crisis in a marriage.

To be fair…the marriage had lost its snap years ago.   Russell just didn’t want to grow up…and so he didn’t.

I had recovered from the stroke almost completely…aside from a slight weakness in my left leg that forced me to use a cane most of the time.

I also had some crummy vision problems which I was sort of handling.

But, poor husband Russ…couldn’t handle the “cane”.  He could not deal with the small disability that was now part of me…so…he could not deal with me.

“You know, Samantha.  You look so old when you use that cane.” he had said one day..

We had been grocery shopping together.  It was shortly after the stroke and I needed help since I could not easily bend down…not to mention getting back up.  Awkward…

“When I’m with you, I feel so old.  And I don’t want to feel old.  I wish you were young again, Samantha.”

“Do you remember how beautiful you were…when you were young?”

“I wish you were that way again…do you really need that cane?”

Even though I was not overly surprised by his comment…I was nonetheless flattened.

There is no other way to describe it.  I imagine this is how you would feel if you stepped off a curb and were hit by a cement truck.

But then…I got up.

“Yes,” I answered him thoughtfully.  “Yes…I believe I do need this cane…and will probably always need this cane.”

“But you know, Russell…I actually believe it’s you I don’t need.”

And I didn’t.

I filed for divorce on Christmas Eve…three days after being hit by that cement truck.

 

 

“First Love” Chapter 26

The Paperback Edition…

“Is he…dead?” I cried out…almost unable to get the words out…and pulling my hands back.

“Oh!!  NO!  Not at all!  I just took your hands because…it seemed like a loving thing to do.  I’m sorry, Sam.  I used to do that all the time when the boys were little.

“I meant to make you feel better.”  And then Mel started to cry…really hard.

“Melanie!  What’s the matter?”  I was really worried now, Mel was always so calm and steady.

“It’s…it’s just such a…sad, sad love story.”

I had to smile a little.  Sweet Melanie.  She had such a gentle soul.

“And…and…Sam…Bobby might be coming to the reunion Saturday.”

I could not believe what I was hearing.  I sat there speechless.

“I was going to tell you sooner but then I know how hard life has been lately with your stroke and your divorce and your mom dying and all…

“So, I had planned to wait just a bit more, but then I forgot…you know that my mother-in-law Janet has been sick…” she paused and I nodded my head sympathetically.  Mel really loved her mother-in-law.

“We’re not sure what’s wrong and it’s kind of scary…”  Then she continued.

“Anyway, when I saw Mike Nordstrom at the first reunion planning meeting in June…you remember Mike, right?  He owns Frankie’s?  We went there a long time ago?”

“Yes.  I remember…go on…” I urged her.

“Well,” Mel said.  “At that meeting he mentioned to me that Bobby might be going to the reunion but…then he kind of clammed up and said he didn’t know for sure…and…Sam?  Bobby’s a widow…his first wife died more than 20 years ago.”

And then she got up and went into the kitchen to get some more tea.

A thousand visions of me and Bobby together again raced through my mind.  Can this really be happening?  Now?  After all these years?

Mel returned, handed me a fresh cup of tea and then sat back down.

“The reunion committee has a lot of information on the graduates…but remember, Bobby didn’t actually graduate…he went into the Navy and then got his GED…”

I interrupted, “Oh crap.” I said disappointed.

“No, now wait Sam…let me finish.  Maybe the committee doesn’t have any information on Bobby…but… ‘fellow reunion committee member, Mike’ has all the information we would  want to know.

“And…when Mike first told me about Bobby, I could tell that he wanted to tell me more…you know how he loved to gossip.  He still does.”

“But, I guess he and Bobby have become really close these past few years…and apparently even Mike has limits…so he stopped talking once he realized he had probably said too much.

“But I know that once he sees those diary pages, Sam, he’ll tell me everything.  And he’ll probably want to show them to Bobby…”

“Would you be okay with that, Sam?”

I was.  I really was.  That way…no matter what happened…whether I saw Bobby or not…at least he would know the truth…and that was the important thing after all.

And, maybe…just maybe…Bobby would come to the reunion…and maybe I  would see him.  Maybe…

I stood up and looked into the mirror hanging on the wall over Mel’s head.

“Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”

“What? asked Melanie, looking up with a puzzled expression on her face.

“Who’s Toto?”

 

 

 

 

 

“First Love” Chapter 27

The Paperback Edition…

How would I look to Bobby after all these years, I wondered…looking into the full-length bathroom mirror…instinctively tucking my short hair behind my ears.

Would he, like Russell, be disappointed in how I now looked?

Would Bobby expect to see me looking young…as I had over 30 years ago when we had last seen each other that day in Target?

And…would he see the cane and wince?  As Russell had done…many times…

Those searing, cruel words from Russ…spoken almost a year ago…about looking old and not being beautiful anymore…still cut deep.

But…most of the time… I knew I looked pretty damn good…even with a cane.

Every summer for the past few years, I had volunteered at a park near our house.  I helped with the kids summer school program.

Up until this summer, I could almost always keep up with those little squirts as they ran all over…and…get nice tan in the bargain.  This summer I was in charge of “The Craft Table”…and supervising the sandbox.

My light brown hair was streaked from the sun but I didn’t think a few blonde highlights would hurt…grey…can be so grey.  I was lucky to get an appointment at Chico’s Salon on such short notice.  I guess it pays to tip well…

Was I being stupid?  Of course, I was.  But…even in high school no one could understand why Bobby Flanagan had picked me to be “his girl”.  He could have picked so many others…

I had been nothing special…Scandinavian cute…that about covered it.

Wait!  Except for my ears…I had very special ears…a little too big for my face and they stuck out…just a bit.   That was my “outstanding” feature…and that had been Bobby’s best little joke…

I wondered what Bobby would look like?

The reunion information sheet had declared in CAPS that the dress code would be ‘Summer Casual’…whatever that meant.

For me…it meant a slightly short, black skirt and a white, cap-sleeved linen top…because I still could.

I didn’t wear jewelry as a rule, but I had put on the pink necklace that Bobby had bought me on his first leave home from the Navy…many years ago.  Yes…I had saved it.

Black and white low-heeled shoes and my cane completed the outfit.  The cane was black hickory and was the old-fashioned kind with a hook at the top.  I had found it at an estate sale shortly after my stroke. It was quite old but it did the trick.

I liked to use it when I was out and about…since I could easily hook it over my arm when standing or hook it on a shopping cart handle.

Everything was hanging neatly on the outside of my bedroom closet door…just waiting.

I checked the mirror and wondered again if I was out of my mind for doing this…out of my mind for even hoping that my strange dream of a few nights ago had been a foreshadow and not just a..dream..

Melanie had been really busy these last couple of days.  Janet had taken a turn for the worse and Mel was spending a lot more time at her house.

She had not yet had time to get more information from Mike about Bobby…not even if he was coming to the reunion.

Last time I had talked to her…which was…yesterday morning, I think?  Yes.  She had not yet shown Mike the copies of the important pages of my mother’s diary.

I knew those pages were the key to whether or not Mike was willing to tell Mel more information about Bobby.

 

 

 

 

 

“First Love” Chapter 28

The Paperback Edition…

The day of the reunion had come and it was now 5:00 and time for me to leave.  I had left calls for Mel but had not heard back from her all day.

As much as I wanted to know what she had found out…I didn’t want to push it.  I knew she was staying with Janet.

We were supposed to meet in the entry by the main door.  I had only driven by this place once before…and that had been several years ago…but I remembered that it was pretty swell.  It overlooked Lake Minnetonka.

I took one last look in my hall mirror.  I shook my head slightly…as if to tell myself that maybe…just maybe…this wasn’t such a good idea after all.

You’re playing with fire, Sam, I thought…and then headed out the door.

There was a grand, circular driveway in front of the Merriweather Golf and Country Club and I drove my little Toyota RAV4  right to the main entrance.

A few people were walking up the sidewalk to the main door from the back parking lot but plenty were also taking advantage of the valet parking…as did I.

Last time we had talked, Mel and I had made plans to drive separately to the club in case she had to leave early.

A very cute young man opened my car door for me, gave me his hand to help me get out and then retrieved my purse and cane which had been laying on the front seat beside me.

Oh, how I wish I could have just said…ever so breezily…”Oh, you can just forget the cane!”…but I knew that would have been a foolish move.

I thanked him and slipped him $20.  He seemed genuinely pleased.  I was glad.

Now all I had to do was go inside, find a chair and wait for Melanie to arrive.

I waited for him to drive off and then I looked up at the entrance to the country club.

This was a pretty swanky place to have our reunion, I thought…no wonder the ticket price was so high.

And…then I really looked at the entrance…at the six stairs with no railing that led up to it.  Well…my oh my.

 

“First Love” Chapter 29

The Paperback Edition…

I hesitated at the bottom of the stairs, and the very nice young man who had already parked my car was suddenly right next to me.

“There’s a ramp off to the side, ma’am.” He said helpfully and then dashed away to park another car.

“Oh…thanks, dear, I’m fine.  I was just…uh…admiring the building…but thanks.”  I said to his disappearing back.

I can do stairs, I thought, if I do them slowly.  I just don’t like to do stairs.

I casually waited until a group of much younger people zipped around me and up the steps.

Then I took a deep breath and slowly and hopefully without attracting too much attention…climbed the six stairs to the front doors…which were being opened for guests by pretty, young girls with welcoming smiles on their faces.

Youth.  You can’t beat it.

I hadn’t been to a class reunion since Mel and I had gone to our ten-year reunion.  It had been such a joke.

How is it possible for so many people to not change after ten years?

The boring little cliques still existed and they had made every possible attempt to be ‘noticed’.  The more liquor they had consumed…the louder they became.

Mel and I had left early that night many years ago and  vowed never to attend another reunion…ever.  But things change.  Life changes…and here I am.

I walked over to the official registration table…and offered a friendly hello to…leaning in to read her name tag…squinting a little…ahhh…Pat Duncan (Stokes) it said…

Who was Pat Duncan (Stokes)?  Yes!  Now I remembered…she was a Homecoming queen candidate when we both were seniors and she had married Jerry Stokes…her steady boyfriend all thru high school.

“Hi, Pat!” I said confidently.

“Hi, Samantha Jones.  Glad you could make this one!” she said cheerfully.

I was so surprised.  For a short minute, I thought…had I not changed?  Did I really look like I had in high school?  And then seeing the surprised look on my face, Pat grinned and pointed to the “THEN & NOW’ board.

There I saw a current picture of me…and that ninth-grade photo of me and Mel.

“Everyone has been talking about that picture of you and Melanie,” Pat said.  “So cute!”

She handed me a name-tag.  It said…Sam Jones (Alison)

“Thanks, Pat.” I said politely, taking the tag from her.  I saw no reason to mention the wrong name on the tag.

I walked over to the side of the main entry, casually threw my name tag in the trash, pulled out a chair from a small table and sat down to wait for Melanie.

So far I would give this class reunion a C+…although Pat Duncan (Stokes) had been really sweet.

I hooked my cane and purse over the side arm of the chair and leaned back to wait.   I had a really good look at everyone who was coming.

They all looked so festive…I had my own private ‘red carpet’ viewing seat.

Then my cell phone rang and three people near me almost jumped out of their skin…frowning at me big time.

Oh, crap!  This morning I had turned my cell up as loud as it could go…with the loudest and most annoying ring tone I could find.  I hadn’t wanted to miss any of Melanie’s calls today.

I quickly turned the volume off and then I looked at the screen.  It was Melanie.  Oh, this can’t be good…not at this time, I thought.

“Please don’t kill me Sam…I can’t be there tonight!  Janet just had a heart attack and we’re on our way to the hospital!”

“We’re right behind the ambulance!  I was with her when it happened, Sam.  It was so horrible!  I can’t talk…I am so sorry, Sam!  I’ll call you later.”

“Mel!  Wait!!  Did you find out if Bob…”  I was talking to a dead line.

Mel had hung up.