“It Was a Dark and Stormy Night”

Chapter Two

Our new home was an older two-story, with a screened-in front porch, a screened-in back porch, a couple of bedrooms upstairs…a nice back yard…a scattering of trees and a single car garage.

I drive by it occasionally…the screened-in front porch is still there…the now magnificent Bur Oak tree in the front yard is still there…and I’m sure the bullet…by now deeply embedded in its formidable trunk…is still there as well…

Because my father worked nights delivering oil for Midwestern Oil and Gas Company, he decided it would be a really great idea for Gee to have a gun…so she could protect herself when he wasn’t there.

Clive wasn’t exactly sure what Gee needed protection from…but still…a gun sounded like a great idea.  My father…as I was to later learn…quite often had a lot of really “great” ideas…and this particular idea was prompted by the unexpected opportunity to purchase above mentioned weapon…very, very cheap.

One afternoon while Clive was perched on his favorite stool at “Jimmy’s Dew Drop Inn” some rummy wino lurched in the front door waving a silver, six-shooter gun…visualize a ‘cowboy’ gun…yelling “Ten Bucks!! Ten Bucks!!”

Of course, everyone in “Jimmy’s” ducked because they thought the guy was there to rob the place…even though as they collectively reflected later…they all thought it was odd that he was demanding such a weirdly low amount.

Clive, however, did not duck but instead turned on his stool and said, “I’ll give you $5.00 for it, Scotty.  Does it have bullets?”

My father…as I was to also later learn…seemed to know an awful lot of people…

 

 

“It Was a Dark and Stormy Night”

INTRODUCING…

“The Johnsons”

“Where the Simpsons meet the Sopranos…sort of…”

Chapter One

It was a bitter, cold December night in Minnesota…and even though I was not yet born…I remember very clearly every detail of that exciting winter evening because…

…my mother was an authentic genius with a tested IQ of 171 and could correctly remember absolutely everything that had ever happened to her and…

…because my father was a devilishly clever storyteller who could weave a tale that kept you listening…with your mouth hanging open…for hours.

Sometimes…in the middle of one of his stories that took place during my “non-remembered early life”…I would be holding my breath until my mom would gently tug one of my pigtails and say, “Lottie…don’t worry…you don’t die!”

So…as this particular story goes…it was on that cold December night when my “35 1/2 weeks” pregnant mother pulled a gun on a very nice policeman…who “as they so often do”…was just trying to help.

But…let’s begin at the beginning…shall we?

The 23-pound, golden brown Thanksgiving Day turkey had not yet even been carved…when Clive Johnson and his brainy and beautiful wife Gee (as in “Gee Whiz)…announced to all family and friends who had gathered together in Clive and Gee’s tiny  apartment…to celebrate this most beloved holiday event…that they would be moving the following week from their cozy but crowded one bedroom apartment with their adorable, chubby seven-year-old son Durwood and faithful hunting dog named Duke.

Worth noting:  My father did not hunt, had never hunted and would never hunt in the future…but had met some guy in a bar (of course he did) and the guy had been trying to sell his 6-month old purebred hunting dog…for a ridiculously cheap price.

Now my father really loved a good deal…but as he later told Gee, “His eyes just got to me, honey.”  And I’m pretty sure he meant the dog’s eyes…”

When I was able to talk…I called Duke “Thido Thia” for some strange, unknown reason.

 

 

“I just ate less…among other things…”

133.8!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT…I’m on this.

I realize now that I had forgotten to allow for the “X” Factor” when I was doing my  recent “Hershey” candy bar research…you know…the research that almost left me blind???  (What kind of scientist am I for heaven’s sake?) …

(Well, Tina…you are the “I Am Not a Scientist” kind).

I don’t know exactly what the hell the “X” Factor” is…I may have been partially blind at that point during my research…however…

It is possible that I am the “X Factor”…which would make sense since I have now discovered (I WORK SO HARD FOR THIS DAMN BLOG!!) that the definition of “X Factor” is:

“Telling yourself what you want to hear (or finding facts…however outrageous on Google…((I LOVE YOU, GOOGLE))!!!!) so you can feel really good right now…but will later come to realize that perhaps those ‘facts’ were wrong and that you are a completely idiotic person and you better now stop doing whatever you are doing to get yourself to this point (where you do not want to be)…like…

…RIGHT NOW.”*

*This definition might be slightly flawed…or maybe a little incorrect…or possibly skewered a tad…and…’bat-shit crazy’ will also work here.

Have a nice day…

“I just ate less…among other things…”

Well…that was notthebut perhaps

THE dumbest idea I have ever had!

 133.2!!!!!!!!!!

…and trust me…I have had some righteously, colossal dumb ideas.

What the holy hell was I thinking?  Who can eat only one-half of a Hershey’s candy bar?  Who?

Was I completely out of my mind?  YES!  YES I WAS...!!!  I WAS 100% out of my mind.

To think that I could do that and then…wait for it…and then…when I was able to actually secure one box of my beloved popsicles…but have only ONE…because I AM A POPSICLE ADDICT and wanted to make that box of 36 last forever…

…decide to also have one half of a Hershey’s candy bar as well…because…because…I have no sound answer to that question.  Next question?

“Did you also have a piece of hot apple pie that you had baked solely for the enjoyment of your husband?

…I’m not going to answer that question either.

Have a nice day…

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I just ate less…among other things…”

“TRAPPED!!!!…”

So it just now occurred to me…that beginning October 1, 2020… if I wanted to “flee”somewhere…I could not.  And I’m talking FLEE!!

I would not be able to quickly get on a plane in Minnesota (or any other state in the USA for that matter) and just immediately…right now… “GO”.

Let’s just say that someone was chasing me…for whatever reason (not the police of course…let’s be very clear on that)…and I needed to get on an airplane and fly to Stockholm or Helsinki or Reykjavik or…or…Detroit.

I wouldn’t be able to do so.  I would be trapped!!

I would be standing at some ticket place and the ticket person would…ever so politely… say to me, “Can I see your real ID, please?”…and I would say…panicked, of course, because someone is chasing me (not the police, of course)…

“WHAT THE FUCK  do you mean, REAL ID?” I would shout.

And I would drag out my driver’s license and credit card and wave them around in the air and start to breathe faster and faster…because of course I was panicking…

And the ticket person would send some kind of ‘eye’ signal to someone else and I would be asked to either leave or ‘come with them’.

I don’t know what would actually happen…since I have never flown anywhere…ever…so airport protocol is not  item #44 on my ”REMEMBER THIS” list.

I also have never felt the need to flee…but…NOW…if I want to flee…I can’t.

And this is when my quirky claustrophobia begins to kick in…

Normal claustrophobia means no elevators, no packed rooms with no visible red EXIT signs, no large gatherings out of doors with me somehow stuck in the middle and NO FLYING.  …or caves…yikes…

AND THIS IS THE QUIRKY PART of my claustrophobia…I also have to be able to move WHERE I want…WHEN…I want…which is why we can’t vacation on an island.  I can’t get there anyway…but still…if I could…think about it.  A person can only leave when the airline people…say you can.  So…choices…always choices.

I am choosing…TO FLY (somehow securing some really cool drugs) over not being able to flee…when I  want.

…where the hell do I get a Real ID anyway?

Two things:  You are 1.  Now beginning to understand me…or…2.  Now beginning to understand my insanity.

Have a nice day…

 

 

 

“I just ate less…among other things…”

IT’S OVER…

I can’t believe it…my heart is breaking…it’s done.  I knew it was coming, but still…

It seems like only yesterday that everything was in front of me…a plan…a ritual…even dreams…

But now…IT’S OVER.

It started out so brilliantly…I was so full of hope and joy!

First came the crisp autumnal breezes blowing orange and red tinted leaves past  my window…and then…white flakes of snow fluttering down.

There was Domino’s Pizza every week!  And…dessert…with no regrets.

There wasn’t a day I didn’t think about you.  Some mornings I would wake early…so excited to be with you that day.

It was all part of the experience…and I loved it.  I’ve been down this road before.

I laughed.  I screamed.  Sometimes I was so still…I hardly breathed.  And yes…I even cried…once or twice…just a tear or two.

But even so…week after week…the joy was there… the promise…ALWAYS THERE!!!  ALWAYS!!

But now…GONE…GONE FOREVER…………………..well maybe not quite forever…

But at least until the 23rd of April……….NFL DRAFT DAY!!!!!!!    

(OF COURSE THERE IS THE NFL COMBINE ON FEBRUARY 23…BUT WHO REALLY CARES ABOUT THAT CRAP…)*

Have a nice day…

*Okay…I’ll probably listen to all the recaps on the radio…but that’s it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I just ate less…among other things…”

I will be so mad if I die before I lose 5 MORE pounds…

wp-15791072044971482242487192049497.png

St. Peter will not be pleased to see me…

Well, perhaps that is a little strong but SERIOUSLY…I realize that last November 2019 when I had failed to reach 125 lbs….which was my original goal from November 2018… losing 5 more pounds before November 2020 seemed like a  genuine, doable goal.

AND…don’t get me wrong…it is!!!!  I mean…losing 5 pounds in 12 months…pretty easy  stuff.

However, if you happen to reside in the +70 age range, the doability of that goal is a bit sketchy…in that I could “kick the bucket” (so to speak) at any moment.  I feel fine…thanks for asking.

(COMPUTER…DO NOT SPELL CHECK ME …DOABILITY IS A WORD…I DOUBLE  CHECKED…even though not used in most dictionaries…but still).

Every morning I get up and the numbers on the scale vary only an ounce or two up or down…but there doesn’t seem to be a downward trend.

Just a simple request…one tiny, little favor…

…and please understand that I am still very, very grateful that I know what time it is...ALL THE TIME…like now it is 10:09  p.m. CST.

Have a nice day…

 

 

“I just ate less…among other things…”

wp-15788030973092880234107982458804.pngOkay…here’s the deal…

Apparently I now have skinny wrists…YAY!!! 

Well, hold off on the applause and cheering because my brand new Swatch watch  keeps slipping to the outside of my wrist…and it is a real bitch to see what time it is without reaching over with my other hand and straightening it.

I wear my watch on my left wrist and DO NOT EVEN ASK BECAUSE I CANNOT WEAR A WATCH ON MY RIGHT WRIST.  Okay.  I feel better now.  And for all I know it would slip to the outside of my right wrist as well!

So.  I went on line and I FOUND A SOLUTION after only 45 minutes.  TIME WELL SPENT…pardon the pun.

So if you send me $5.00 in unmarked bills I will sha

Hey…I wouldn’t do that.  Here is the trick.  Reverse the band from one side of the watch to the other…if you can.  I have a Swatch so I can do that very easily.  IT’S AMAZING!!!

FYI…I am also telling you…I think I am getting sick of knowing what time it is every single second…like…right now it’s 10:46 p.m. CST.

P.S.  I couldn’t find a cute photo of a wrist watch so…this one had to do…

BYW…It’s now 11:01 p.m. CST

Have a nice day…