The Paperback Edition…

My senior year of high school passed quickly.  I graduated with honors, which was not a big accomplishment since I never dated…or did much of anything else except study.

Mel and Stuart got married in July…she was two months pregnant.  Stuart started an apprenticeship program to become an electrician and they moved into a small trailer home…and were deliriously happy.

I got some bad advice from a beloved teacher, blew a scholarship to the University of Minnesota and went instead to a local, private college which I realized…too late…that I could not afford.

I had to quit after one semester.  Two jobs didn’t cut it.

But really…it was the sore throat and crap cold one very bleak December day that did me in.  Too sick.  Too tired.  Too fucking sick and tired.

So, I dropped out of college and caused a huge fight between my parents because…because that’s what they did.

And life went on because it always does.

I bought a cheap little car with $200.00 I borrowed from my grandma who died soon after, so I never had to pay her back.

I got a cheap little job as a stock clerk for a shoe store chain at the local mall…and waited for something to happen to me…but I didn’t know exactly what.

Everyone at ShoesPlus was super nice and I made a couple of new friends and I casually dated and it was all so very normal.

Even my parents pretended to be friends for a while.

But in the bottom of my stomach, just off in the corner…that lost, lonely feeling persisted.  I wondered if it would ever go away.

Then one day at work, Betsy Vick, a friend from Portland  High School, came into ShoesPlus.  We talked for a few minutes but I was working so she suggested we go to lunch and ‘share more memories’.

I was really surprised since we hadn’t been that good friends…but I said “Sure, why not.”  We agreed to meet in the food court at 12:30.

When I got to there, I looked all over but Betsy was nowhere to be found.  I looked down at my watch to check the time…and when I looked up, I saw Bobby Flanagan walking toward me.

I could hardy take a breath.

 

The Paperback Edition…

When Bobby called the next day to set up the details for Saturday, he told me that his parents were really looking forward to seeing me…they had always loved me when we had been dating in high school.

My mother, on the other hand, was not at all thrilled to hear that I was going to see Bobby again.

“What does he want, Samantha?  I thought you two had broken up.  Why does he want to see you again?” she asked sharply when I told her of the lunch meeting with Bobby…and the upcoming party with his family this weekend.

“Mom!  We’re just going to a family get-together.   You know  how much his family likes me…”

My mom had always hated the fact that the Flanagan family was so fond of me.  I was like another member of their family.

“Just don’t get pregnant!” she said and walked out onto our patio and slammed the door shut behind here.

I stared at the closed door,  so  surprised at her strong reaction.  I wondered again why she disliked Bobby so much.

Could it possibly be because Bobby was Irish…like my dad?  Did she think that he would become a drinker like my dad?  That would have been so stupid.  Bobby never drank…ever.  And my mom knew that…  I shook my head.  I didn’t want to think about this.  Not now.

All I wanted to do right now…was to think about seeing Bobby…in three days.

The Paperback Edition…

It would be only a little over three years and then Bobby would be out of the Navy.  It didn’t seem like a very long time at all.

I had now become part of the adult world.  I understood myself a little better now.   I understood Bobby a little better now…and I think I understood life a little better now.

I had a full-time job.  I bought my own clothes.  I paid for my own car insurance.  Granted…I still lived at home but I did give my parents money each month for groceries and rent.  I was such an adult.

And…I was wonderfully, truly in love with Bobby Flanagan…and he was wonderfully, truly in love with me.

Of course, I would wait for Bobby…gladly wait for the one…the only one…who could chase away all the shadows, banish the lonely feeling  that had haunted me for years and make me laugh until I cried.

Of  course, I would wait for the only one who could bring me pure joy with just one look, one touch, one kiss.

Of course I would wait…

But then…I didn’t.

The Paperback Edition…

The unbridled force of a mother’s love…right or wrong…is unbelievably powerful.

She takes you to the doctor for vaccinations…knowing it will hurt for a bit…but she knows it is the right thing to do.

She makes you eat healthy food even if you don’t want to…because she knows it is the right thing to do.

If you run out into the street, she swats your behind and gets so very angry at you…because she knows it is the right thing to do.

And then…she takes all the letters from the one person you love with all your heart, reads them and then burns them…so fearful is she that you will end up just like her…with an irresponsible husband who has made her life miserable with his uncontrolled drinking and carelessness.

She volunteers to mail your letters to Bobby for you…but instead reads them and then  burns them.

She plans for you to be away from the house when she knows that a desperate Bobby is going to call…because of course…she knows the exact time he will do so.

She tells Bobby Flanagan when he calls…that “I’m so sorry, Bobby, but Samantha doesn’t want to see or hear from you ever again.  I am so, so  sorry.”  And she makes sure he believes her…because that is the right thing to do.

But…she does let you read the last letter you will ever receive from Bobby…because she has already read that letter and knows how full of anger it is.

And…being the good mother she is…she consoles you when you cry and makes your favorite meal for dinner…because she knows it is the right thing to do.